staying connected after birth
Preparing for birth can be a lot like preparing for a wedding. You plan and plan (and plan) for the day of the big event only to realize that you completely forgot to think about what happens afterward. Disconnection between partners after the birth of a baby is not uncommon. You may find that you are on a very different page than your partner. Misaligned parenting styles, overwhelming household responsibilities, and differing sexual needs can add a lot of stress to an already vulnerable time.
Your relationship with your partner will change. There’s no getting around that. Instead of stewing about the variables that are outside your control, focus instead on what you can control. Here are a few ideas for staying connected with your partner after birth.
Make a plan beforehand. Do not underestimate the importance of this first step. Make a plan while you’re still pregnant not only for postpartum support, but for taking time for yourself and your partner. Your birth doula may help you plan for this or you can consider hiring a postpartum doula.
Ask about your partner’s birth experience. How often do the partners get asked about their experiences? Partners are oftentimes the witnesses to great trauma, and at least 1 in 10 partners will have postpartum depression or another perinatal mood disorder. Sit down together in the first week or two and talk through how birth went for both of you. I encourage both of you to write it out as well.
List what makes you feel most loved. Sit down together and both of you write out what makes you feel most loved and supported. Talk about it. Keep the list somewhere you will see it frequently, like on the fridge door or bathroom mirror. If you don’t already know your love language, this is the perfect opportunity to find out.
Find ways to boost your oxytocin levels. If you’re breast or chestfeeding, you will likely get frequent oxytocin rushes. Partners often experience a release of oxytocin after the birth and then experience withdrawals. Hug and kiss often; laugh together at a TV show you both enjoy; or listen to ASMR. Avoid alcohol, as it is an oxytocin inhibitor. Sex is a great way to release oxytocin. See below for more discussion.
Manage expectations about sex. Many birthing people are given the all-clear for penetrative sex at their 6-week postpartum visit with their care provider. However, the reality is that you may not be ready for closer to eight weeks - or even longer. Aside from physical healing and lack of sleep, changing hormone levels can drastically affect libido. Have this discussion in advance and brainstorm other ways you can be intimate with each other. This might be a chance to try something new!
Go out for date night… if you’re up for it. I fully endorse staying in bed for a couple weeks but if you need to get out, do it! Consider bringing your baby with you out to dinner or to the movies, especially in the early weeks when your baby spends a lot of time sleeping.
Adjusting to life after baby may take some time. It will be trial and error. But just know, every other parent is also taking it one (baby) step at a time. If you would like to chat more about a postpartum plan or would like a list of postpartum doulas in the Greater Milwaukee area, I encourage you to get in touch!
