how partners help during labor
This one’s for the partners. There is an unfortunate perception that partners (especially men) are bumbling oafs in the birth space. Let’s think critically about this. Many men have never been provided the space to express their emotions in a healthy way. They often overlook, repress, or reject their instinctual responses in moments of vulnerability. This plays out in the birth space as the disconnected, distracted husband sitting alone on the couch with his arms crossed. Watching your wife or partner go through birth is an intense experience that many just aren’t prepared for.
Partners can (and should) be an integral part of the birth process. You likely know your pregnant partner better than anyone else. Support from you will mean a whole lot more than support from a nurse or even a doula. It’s also so much more than comfort measures and coping techniques. If this is your first child (or even if it’s not) it can be stressful to know what to do in a space that has predominantly belonged to women. Here are a few ways to be the best support person you can be.
Get educated. This will vary depending on the individual and the situation but first and foremost I encourage every partner to watch birth videos. Get comfortable with the sights and sounds of birth. Beyond that, it may look like attending a birth class and taking detailed notes. Practicing comfort measures and coping techniques before labor begins. For some it may simply mean getting more in tune with your pregnant partner - observing how they react in moments of pain or stress and what comforts them; interpreting their body language; and trusting them.
Know the birth preferences or plan. When there are birth preferences or a birth plan written, it is your job to know it front to back. Your pregnant partner may not be very communicative during labor and if there are questions from providers, you can step up and answer them. If an intervention is being presented, first ask if it’s an emergency or if there’s time to talk about it. Then proceed with this acronym in mind - B. R. A. I. N.
Benefits. Ask what the benefits of the intervention are.
Risks. Ask what the risks of the intervention are.
Alternatives. Are there alternatives to the intervention being suggested?
Intuition. What is your gut telling you to do?
Nothing. Ask what would happen if you don’t follow through with the intervention.
Protect the birth space and advocate. Partners (especially male partners) can hold a lot of power in the birth space. If you see your pregnant partner in distress, speak out. Whenever possible, first take two deep breaths and assume a non-threatening but powerful stance. Maintain eye contact with the provider as you calmly state your concern or restate the birthing partner’s wishes. For example, “I heard them say ‘no.’”
Make sure their basic needs are met. If your pregnant partner wants something, get it for them. Keep light but nutrient dense snacks on hand if they get hungry (think honey sticks and whole grain crackers). Help them stay hydrated. A good rule of thumb is to have them take a sip of water after every surge. Suggest bathroom breaks every hour and encourage them to sleep and rest if they are able - and make sure you follow suit too!
Offer encouraging words and affirmations. This is so important. Birth is hard work. If the birthing person is struggling, first affirm their feelings, for example, “I know this is hard.” Follow it up with an affirmation or something encouraging. Discuss beforehand what sorts of words and phrases the birthing person would be most likely to respond to. These might include:
“You and our baby are safe.”
“You are so strong.”
“You are doing it!”
“Each wave brings our baby closer.”
“Your body is opening. It knows what to do.”
It is never my intent to replace a loving birth partner. On the contrary, I love working closely with partners to weave their strengths and comfort level into their birth support. We are a team. If you are interested in learning more about how doulas work with partners, please check out this previous blog post or send me a message!
