how partners + doulas work together
It can be tough to appreciate the benefits of a doula if you’ve never worked with one. The presence of a doula can seem redundant, especially if you’ve taken one of those months-long childbirth classes. It may feel like having yet one more person in the room can take away from the intimacy of the experience. First off, I assure you that the right doula will know when to fade into the background so you and your partner can enjoy some intimate moments - we LOVE to see that. Second, no matter how prepared you think you both are, your partner is not a doula. It’s amazing that you are both preparing and learning about the process as a team, but it’s unfair to expect your partner to be prepared for every possible outcome; be up to date on medical terminology; or remember all the positions you learned in class.
Your partner’s role is to be present for you and support you with love, affection, and encouragement. Your partner knows you better than anyone after all the time you’ve spent together. A doula can NEVER replace that kind of support. In fact, there are many ways a doula can enhance that bond and help your partner support you even better. Here are just a few of the ways a doula and partner can work together as your support team.
Keep the focus on what’s important. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the details and lose sight of the moment. A doula can take the pressure off by timing surges (contractions); suggesting and tracking position changes; and setting the tone in the laboring and birthing spaces. Having someone else in charge of those details can help you both relax.
An extra set of hands. Some birthing people need or want a lot of hands-on support (like massage, counterpressure, or hand-holding). A doula can trade off with your partner so no one person is responsible for 18 hours of hip squeezes or aggressive lower back massage. They can also keep up a steady supply of hot or cold packs and get water or juice refills. A doula can also get your socks, a fresh blanket, or a towel.
Ideas for what to try next. Doulas love to help partners reach their fullest potential as a support person. If you prefer your partner be your main supporter, a doula can wait in the wings and quietly suggest new positions to try. They can guide your partner on how best to touch you, whether it be massage or just a reassuring hand on your shoulder. Doulas also come prepared with encouraging phrases or affirmations that are just right for challenging moments.
Facilitate communication. A doula can act as translator between you, your partner, and the medical staff; remind your physicians of your birth preferences; and facilitate positive communication should the situation deviate from your preferences. They can also validate and normalize the unfolding labor process and help you understand what to expect next. A doula is also your informational resource so you don’t have to remember everything you learned in your birth class.
Give partners some much-needed rest. Many people are surprised to learn that labor, especially for first-time birthers, often stretches beyond the 24-hour mark. At some point, your partner might need to take a nap, have a snack, use the bathroom, or step outside to collect their thoughts. During those moments, a doula will maintain continuous support for the birthing person.
Support before and after birth. A doula’s care usually starts well before your due date and continues after your baby is born. They offer prenatal support by answering questions and providing resources so you can make informed decisions. Not only does a doula prepare you both for birth, but for postpartum as well. A doula will listen to your birth experiences and provide basic lactation support. If something extends beyond their scope, doulas can help you find a counselor, lactation consultant, or other professional.
Special moments. Doulas are more than happy to capture special moments during labor, birth, and postpartum. It is just one more way a doula helps you both stay present, keeping your mind off the details. While not professional photographers, having these moments documented will bring you much joy in the weeks and years to come.
Don’t forget - your partner is going through their own rite of passage while you’re in labor. A doula will hold space for those experiences and emotions and help your partner adjust to their new role. A doula isn’t just for the birthing person - they are there to support the family as a whole and that includes your partner, your baby, and whoever else you choose to be present.
If you’d like to chat more about how doulas and partners work together, send me a message to set up a call or visit. I would love to hear from you!
