supporting someone through loss
Pregnancy and infant loss can be challenging subjects to talk about and navigate. Although times are changing and taboos are lifting, pregnancy loss is often not mentioned. This can be especially true if the loss occurred before the parents made a pregnancy announcement. When it is talked about, it can be hard to know what to say or do in the face of something so tragic and senseless.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and to honor that, I wanted to share some simple ways to support someone who has experienced a loss.
Let them know they are not alone - and then show up. Something as small as a hug or a text saying “I’m thinking about you today” shows that you remember them and their baby. As months or years pass, continue to let them know that you’re there for them.
Just listen. What they need right now is a safe space to express their grief. Do not give advice, pass judgment, or offer platitudes such as “everything happens for a reason.” Most of the time, all they want is someone to hear their story.
Be honest. It’s okay if all you say to them is “I’m so sorry” or “I don’t know what to say.” It can be very validating for someone else to understand that there is no easy fix in situations like this.
Use their baby’s name. If the parents decided to name their baby, be respectful and use that name in conversation or if you send a card. Invite them to tell you about their baby too.
Siblings or older children are affected too. Spend some time with them and allow them to express their feelings without judgment. Help answer any questions they have. It can be helpful for them to have something of their own to remember their baby sibling.
Bring them a warm meal or their favorite hot beverage. Call or text ahead of time to find out when would be a good time for you to stop by. Ask if they are up for a visit or if you can just drop it off on the porch. Don’t feel discouraged or rejected if they prefer the drop-off instead of a visit.
Remember that the birthing parent may be recovering physically too. Drop off a bag with a peri bottle, tea, moisturizer, nursing pads, or some other things to aid in postpartum recovery. Extend the offer to help with chores like laundry, dishes, or grocery pick up.
Send cards or messages. Let them know you’re thinking of them on special days by sending a card or message. These can include their baby’s due date, birth day, anniversaries of those days, or holidays like Mother’s or Father’s Day.
Know that grief takes time. Grief affects everyone differently, and no one walks through it in the same manner. It may take several years for someone to process their grief and get used to their “new normal.” ‘
Take care of yourself. If you are close to the family, you may be grieving too. Take time to acknowledge and respect your own emotions and where you are in processing your grief.
If you would like more resources or information, please visit Postpartum Support International, March of Dimes, or Star Legacy Foundation.
