postpartum support for new parents
Most of us live in societies that do not give postpartum (the fourth trimester) the honor and support it deserves. All the time and energy that was focused on the parents-to-be in pregnancy suddenly shifts to the new baby. The friends and family we hoped would support us instead show up looking for baby snuggles. Many of us have been conditioned to tough it out which makes it difficult to ask for help, especially when we need it most.
It can also be hard to know what to do for someone with a new baby, especially if you’ve never had children of your own or if your children are already grown. One of the best gifts you can give to parents of new babies is unconditional support. Here are a few ways to do that.
Don’t ask to hold their baby. Seriously. You are not entitled to baby snuggles just because you show up at their house. Holding their newborn is not usually the hard part of being a new parent (but it can be). Not only that, babies aren’t born with fully developed immune systems. The new parents may want to minimize their baby’s exposure to foreign bacteria and viruses in the first few weeks or months.
Let them rest. If you aren’t invited over in the first few weeks, don’t ask - and don’t take it personally. The whole family just went through a huge transition, both physically and mentally. It might take some time for them to recuperate. They will let you know when they’re ready for visitors.
Bring them food… with no expectation of a visit. Call ahead to let them know you’re dropping off a meal. Even if it’s just a hot coffee, usually most gifts of food are well appreciated. Better yet, make a plan before the baby is born to help, whether it’s prepping freezer meals or scheduling bi-weekly deliveries of hot food.
Show up ready to help. If you are privileged to be invited for a visit, come as a helper instead of a guest. Arrive with the intention of helping out and be specific in your questions. Try asking something like, “Would you rather I help with the baby or chores?” or, “Can I fold laundry/do dishes/pick up groceries?” It can be hard for new parents to ask for help, so don’t wait for them to ask.
Spend time with older kids or take the dog for a walk. There might be other family members that need support and attention too. Older children might need some one-on-one play time or help with homework. Dogs that are used to getting two or three walks a day might be cut down to one or none in those first few weeks. Take them out to expel some energy.
Offer words of encouragement. New parents need to hear that they are not a failure. Tell them they are doing a great job. Acknowledge how hard they are working and all the things they are doing to care for their baby. Also encourage them to follow their instincts - THEY are the expert on their baby.
Just listen. Say you’d love to hear their birth story and let them tell it without interruption. Ask real questions like, “How are you feeling about being a parent?” Give them permission to talk about the challenges they’re facing and acknowledge that what they’re feeling is valid. Whatever they say, offer no judgment, opinions, or advice.
We have a long way to go in offering proper postpartum support to parents. In the United States, many families don’t have access to paid family leave. When we normalize how hard parenting can be instead of just putting on a brave face, we can start to shift the narrative. We deserve better.
