partners + birth trauma
It is an unspoken and little-known fact that partners present during the birth of their children are susceptible to postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMAD) and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) just as the birthing parent is.
Partners often feel excluded from the birthing process, especially if the situation is urgent. Partners, especially men, can feel a lot of pressure to be strong, unyielding problem-solvers and remain calm in the face of an emergency. However after being present for a birth, they often report feeling helpless or powerless. It is extremely distressing to watch someone you love experience pain. Birth can look frighteningly uncontrolled to an observer with no medical background.
While I wouldn’t classify our son’s birth traumatic or complicated, my husband did not have good feelings during the process. The birth center we had chosen was abnormally busy the night we were admitted - all four of the birth suites were in use. Because of the extra traffic, our midwife did not spend much time with us apart from checking mine and the baby’s vitals every 20 minutes or so. When we finally debriefed with our midwife (almost two years later), she admitted that they gave us our space partly because they thought my husband and I were working so well together and I was not in distress. This was great to hear after the fact, but in the moment my husband thought for sure that there was something wrong and no one wanted to tell him. He later wrote, “... my brain kept thinking - ‘I hope my wife doesn’t die and I hope I’ll be able to talk to her again like I used to, I hope she’ll be the same person after this.’” Even though the midwives reassured my husband that everything was proceeding normally, he felt completely alone, that he wasn’t doing his best to support me, and that he could be doing more.
This is where a doula’s role is just as important for the partner as the birthing person. A doula can make sure questions are answered, offer a reassuring hug, bring snacks and beverages, and give partners much-needed bathroom breaks. A doula can help the partner remember ways they can participate and be a active supporter. Should an emergency occur and the birthing person and baby are separated, a doula can be where the partner is not - if the partner accompanies the baby, the doula will stay with the birthing parent (and vice versa).
If you are currently pregnant, make a note to yourself to ask your partner how they feel after the birth. If you’ve already given birth, please ask your partner about their experience. Trust me, I know those hours, days, and weeks after birth are a big blurry mess. But take the time to talk through your experiences together. Even if you felt great about your child’s birth, you might be surprised to find your partner feels quite the opposite.
So this one’s for the supporting partners - the ones who suffer in silence. Please trust me when I say that you are not alone in this. There are so many others who feel the same. Follow the links below for more resources.
